Title: Luck of the Irish
Author: Joules Mer
Author's e-mail: firstname.lastname@example.org
Author's URL: http://jmenterprise.popullus.net
Date: Posted to EntSTSlash 03/17/2004
Archive: Permission to archive granted to EntSTCommunity and BLTS. All others
Fandom: Star Trek Enterprise
Summary: St. Patrick's Day festivities get a bit out of hand and Malcolm's
wearing his lucky underwear.
Series: Spirit of the Season
Disclaimer: Enterprise is the property of Paramount. No profit was, or will
be, made by this story.
A/N: Written on a whim after having consumed a fair bit of green beer.
Trip sighed and rolled his knotted shoulders tiredly, it had
been a long day in engineering. At six that morning the port injector had
clogged and he'd been called from his bed to fix it. A process that had
caused him to miss a proper lunch and only get off duty now, 14 hours later.
His stomach rumbled again and Trip was relieved to see the mess hall door before
him. He quickened his pace and entered the room, sparing a second glance
for the two ensigns who had matching green hairbands. Fashions were strange
Trip perused the food left in the case, selecting a green salad
and tortellini with pesto sauce. It was only when he got to the shamrock
shaped cookies with green icing that everything made sense. It was March
17th. Saint Patrick's Day. Trip sat down and proceeded to eat as quickly
as he could. There was probably a party somewhere, and for some reason he
wasn't feeling so tired anymore.
Trip knew he'd found what he was looking for when he heard
muffled raucous laughter through the door of the aft observation lounge.
Trip smoothed back his hair, straightened his uniform, and opened the door.
"Haaayyy!" There was a collective roar of welcome as
he crossed the threshold. Trip stopped just inside the door in shock.
Plates were scattered throughout the room along with empty cups, come of the contents
of which had clearly ended up on the floor. Two couches were overturned
and some sort of green crepe paper hung from the ceiling. Music was blaring
out of a set of portable speakers and a large portion of the room was singing
along, something about the belle of Belfast city. Trip took another step
into the room and felt the door slide shut behind him.
He finally found his voice and called out uncertainly, "Uh,
A figure suddenly detached itself from the fray and positively
bounded over. The person stopped right in front of him, gave a brilliant
smile and crowed, "Kiss me, I'm Irish!" Without giving Trip time to step
back he proceeded to plant a sloppy kiss on the other man's lips.
"Mmmmphf!" Trip's cry of shock was muffled, but as soon
as his lips were freed and he could get a good look at the person in front of
him he exclaimed in surprise, "Malcolm! You ain't Irish!"
Malcolm actually pouted, "I am so! Well, a bit.
On my mother's side."
Malcolm grinned beatifically and Trip frowned, "What's this
all about?" He waved his arm to indicate Malcolm as well as the room in
The other man's eyes widened and he blurted, slurring his words
badly, "'S Saint Patrick's Day. Drove th' snakes out of Ireland. Metaphorically
speaking a course. Nasty things, snakes. All wriggly. Wriggly
As Malcolm chortled and took a wobbly step backwards enlightenment
dawned. Trip's jaw dropped, "You're drunk!"
Malcolm looked indignant, "No!"
"Yes you are!"
"Can't be!" Malcolm wobbled again, but stuck to his argument,
"Only had one." He waved vaguely behind himself and Trip spotted Ensign
Tanner who appeared to be drinking a vivid green liquid straight from a pitcher.
"Yessir." Malcolm attempted to salute and poked himself
in the eye. The music changed and a supportive roar went up as Ensign Hart
leapt onto an overturned couch and began to perform an inebriated jig of some
sort. Malcolm went to take another step backwards, tripped over something
invisible and fell onto his backside where he began to laugh uncontrollably.
Trip hurried over to the nearest comm panel, "Tucker to Archer."
"I'm in the aft lounge and I think you'd better get down here,
Cap'n." He gave the room another glance and added, "You'd better bring Phlox
Jon slowed to a stop as he spotted his chief engineer sitting
with his back to the corridor wall, his normally combed hair in spiky disarray.
Trip's eyes snapped open and he climbed to his feet, "Sorry
Cap'n, tactical retreat. They were pretty aggressive with the pinching."
The captain's brow furrowed, "Pinching?"
Trip flushed and seemed to rub his behind slightly as if it
might be sore, "'Cause I'm not wearing green." He appeared a bit flustered
and was saved from further questions by the arrival of the doctor.
"Good evening, gentlemen, what seems to be the problem?"
Both Jon and Phlox turned expectant gazes on Trip who suddenly realized he didn't
quite know how to explain what he'd seen.
"Well, they're having a party, and it's gotten a bit out of
"What!" It was clear the captain was outraged and he
appeared to be ready to storm into the room. Trip forestalled that by grabbing
his friend's arm.
"Wait! I think there's something else. They're
all drunk, really drunk, but Malcolm seemed pretty adamant that he'd only had
one glass. It should take more than that to knock him on his ass."
"Hmmm, what do you think, Doc?"
Phlox pursed his lips, "I think I should scan them and get
a sample of whatever they're drinking. I can't guess what has happened right
"Right." Jon turned and indicated the door, "After you,
The noise level was lower than Trip remembered, but that was
probably due to the fact that a number of people were passed out on the floor.
"Trip! Y'came back!" This statement accompanied Malcolm jumping up and weaving
over to them. "Bring any booze? We're fresh out."
Jon was caught between being amused and horrified, "I can't
say that we did, Lieutenant."
Malcolm rolled his eyes theatrically, "Pffffff, more's the
pity. I guess I can forgive you though, you did bring him back." He
gave Trip a once over and grinned, "Care to join me on the sofa, Commander?
It's a bit of a tight squeeze, but," his gaze turned into a leer, "I'm sure
we can manage."
Jon swallowed his laughter at the panicked tone of Trip's voice
and planted a reassuring hand on his friend's shoulder, "Not just yet, Malcolm.
We have to figure out why you're all so... silly."
"Spoilsport." Malcolm shot a venomous glare at his superior
officer before stomping back to his earlier seat in an inebriated huff.
"I think now would be a good time to do something, Phlox."
Phlox looked up from the unconscious crewman he was scanning,
"I already am, Captain."
"It's the fruit?"
"Not entirely, Captain."
"As I was saying, Commander, the fruit we picked up during
shore leave is partly to blame."
"I thought you said it was safe for humans!"
Phlox turned patiently back to his captain, "And it is.
What I hadn't anticipates is how it interacts with beer. From what I can
tell the chemicals it releases when in contact with alcohol are what have reduced
the crew to this advanced state of inebriation."
Jon's brow furrowed, "Are they going to be okay?"
A wide smile alighted on the doctor's face, "Just fine!
Although they will probably feel a bit worse for wear in the morning."
The captain nodded wearily and surveyed the party just in time
to see Crewman Fisher pass out into the remnants of a bowl of the damned fruit.
He scrubbed a hand over his face, "What do you think we should do with them?"
"I'd suggest we call their roommates to come and collect them,
they can sleep off the ill effects in their quarters. I'd prefer they weren't
left alone so I'll take Rossi and Baird back to sickbay for the night. And
Lieutenant Reed as well."
"Trip can look after Malcolm."
Jon took his friend by the arm and drew him aside, "Trip, you've
been mooning after Malcolm for months and now that he's made it pretty clear he
might reciprocate you should be the one to look after him. He'll be embarrassed
enough about this as it is without having to wake up in sickbay. Just roll
out one of the camping mattresses on your floor and have him sleep there, okay?"
Trip looked at his longtime friend through narrowed eyes, "I
have not been mooning."
Jon merely patted Trip on his shoulder, "Go collect him now
before you have to carry him home." He gave one last grin and sauntered
back over to the doctor.
Trip sighed and walked over to one of the few sofas still upright
and undamaged, "C'mon, Malcolm, time to go."
"Where are we going?"
"Because you're drunk."
"Because you drank."
Trip stopped in the corridor and turned to glare at his giggling
companion. "I don't know. Now will you cut that out."
Malcolm regarded him with pursed lips for a moment before he
blurted out, "Why?" And began to giggle all over again.
"Malcolm!" The giggling stopped. "No more questions."
Malcolm looked to be on the verge of saying something so Trip tacked on, "Please?"
There was a short pause before the other man nodded slowly. "Good."
Trip took Malcolm by the arm again and walked him the rest of the way to his quarters
The door slid open and Malcolm stumbled into the room, falling
into a sitting position on the edge of the bunk. Trip went to his console
and got as far as powering up the screen when Malcolm's voice broke the silence,
"I'm going to have someone send up an extra mattress."
Trip scrubbed a hand through his hair, "Because one of us needs
to sleep on it."
"Why don't we just share?"
Trip turned around slowly and found Malcolm regarding him expectantly,
"Because you're drunk and I don't want you to do anything you'd regret."
Malcolm's lower lip quivered, "That's sweet, Trip, that really
is, but I won't regret anything involving you, me, and a bed. Scout's honour."
"Not while you're drunk, Mal. It isn't right."
Trip's voice was soft, but firm.
"You know what isn't right, Mr. Tucker." Malcolm turned
from an almost weepy drunk into a self righteous drunk right before his eyes,
"You. You walk around so sex-y I can't stand it!"
Trip's forestalling hand was ignored, "You're so gorgeous and
you don't even know it! It's not fair at all, you running around in your
underwear like that. Positively indecent."
"And you know what, Trip, I've got the security tape of it!"
He wagged his eyebrows before continuing, "It's in my private collection."
Trip's eyes widened, but before he could formulate a question
Malcolm closed his eyes and passed out across the bunk. "Dammit."
He knelt down and removed Malcolm's shoes and socks. Malcolm's pants weren't
that loose so after a moment of indecision he took them off too, laughing softly
at what he found underneath. Shamrock covered boxer shorts, lucky underwear
indeed. When Trip stood again the day chose to reassert itself as crushing
exhaustion. Even the task of making it to his desk seemed insurmountable.
He tried, but he just couldn't will himself to stay awake for the time it would
take to get the second mattress. Trip kicked off his shoes and pulled off
the outer layers of his uniform before pushing Malcolm over onto one side of the
mattress. "Over you go, it's not like we haven't been forced to share closer
Malcolm sighed happily and wiggled his toes, his bed felt exceptionally
cozy this morning. He shifted slightly as he woke up more, realizing two
things as he did so. The first was that his head was killing him, and the
second was that his bed normally didn't smell like Trip's shampoo or aftershave
or whatever it was. Keeping his eyes closed he reached out cautiously with
one hand and encountered... hair. He slid it down and was rewarded with
a soft, sleep roughened voice, "Hey! Whatcha doin'?" He withdrew his
hand as if it had been burned and felt the covers suddenly pull off of his upper
body as Trip sat up. "Malcolm?"
"Yes?" His voice rasped horribly and he kept his eyes
firmly shut against the light Trip had turned on.
"How do you feel?"
"Like shit." He heard a soft chuckle and felt some movement
before there was a pinch at his neck and the hiss of a discharging hypospray.
It was only a few seconds before the pain seemed to melt away. "Thanks."
He cautiously blinked his eyes open and found Trip looking down at him with a
smile on his face. "What happened?"
"Alien fruit got you absolutely smashed."
It was still too early in the morning to fully process information
like that. "Oh." Malcolm sat up carefully, noting that Trip didn't
move even though they were now quite close together, "Did I do anything embarrassing?"
Malcolm felt his heart sink, the smirk on Trip's face couldn't be good.
"Well, you did call the captain a spoilsport when he said I
couldn't join you on the sofa. I think it was something about the way you
were leering at me."
Malcolm's shoulders slumped, "Oh, Trip, I am so sorry.
That was way out of line. I'm so sorry if I've offended you or..."
"Hold on, Malcolm, I didn't really mind."
Malcolm's mouth hung open for a moment before he managed to
get out, "What?"
"Cap'n didn't mind either. In fact, he's the reason you're
here instead of sickbay."
Malcolm had a slightly panicked look on his face so Trip jumped
in, "Don't worry, he thinks it's cute. Jon's a real softie."
"Cute?" Malcolm was aghast.
"I think it helped that he was tired of having to watch me
moon over you, as he so eloquently put it."
"He thinks it's cute that... Wait, you..."
Malcolm trailed off, but Trip could hear the question, "Yup,
for months now."
"Oh." Malcolm plucked at the blanket for a moment before
he forced himself to continue, "I take it I made it clear how I feel."
Trip couldn't suppress a chuckle, "Very clear."
"Well, I suppose I'd best be going then, unless you'd like
me to stay?" In his mind Malcolm crossed his fingers and all of his toes
for good measure.
"I'd like you to stay Malcolm, I'd like to, maybe, have a relationship
with you. If you want to, of course."
A slow smile brightened Malcolm's face, "I'd like that, Trip."
"Great!" Trip's enthusiasm was infectious and Malcolm's
smile widened to match Trip's broader one. "Now that that's settled,"
He leaned in conspiratorially, "What's this about you having a tape of me in my
Malcolm's cheeks took on a rosy hue and he chuckled nervously
before meeting Trip's eyes, "I'll tell you what. I'll delete the tape, and
you make waking up together a regular occurrence."
Trip scrutinized Malcolm carefully, but saw only sincerity
and lingering embarrassment. He leaned in for a quick kiss before replying,
"It's a deal."