Title: Well Matched
Author: Joules Mer
Author's e-mail: firstname.lastname@example.org
Author's URL: http://jmenterprise.popullus.net
Date: Posted to EntSTSlash February 7, 2005.
Archive: Everyone else ask first.
Fandom: Star Trek Enterprise
Series: Fourth in the Spam Series
Disclaimer: Enterprise is the property of Paramount. No profit
has been, or will be, made by this story.
Malcolm rolled over, squirming out from under
the weight that was pinning him down. Trip didn't stir and his breathing
stayed deep and even. Malcolm peered at the chronometer on the shelf.
23:49. He was wide awake, and Trip was fast asleep. He briefly
considered waking his lover, but Trip had been pulling double shifts lately
and desperately needed his sleep.
Malcolm could tell he was too wound up to go to sleep
so he carefully extracted himself from the blankets and padded over to the
desk. He turned the screen lighting down and called up his recent messages,
scrolling until he found what he was looking for: "Dear Sir." Never
a good start. "Today is your lucky day." Too bad it was mostly
over. If he'd known he'd have bought a lottery ticket. MatchPro
has received an influx of female clients, and we're recruiting eligible young
men." He wasn't so sure he fit their definition of eligible.
"That means that if you satisfy our requirements you will be matched with
the girl of your dreams absolutely free!" Just what he'd always wanted.
"Simply answer the attached questions..." Malcolm skimmed them quickly.
"...and you'll be on your way. MatchPro uses the newest personality
and lifestyle matching software available." New software was always
the most bug ridden. "Our matching software isn't just good, it's 100%
uninfallable!" He was reasonably sure that didn't mean what they thought
it meant. "Send in your reply today and if you're what we're looking
for you could be with a beautiful woman within a month." Malcolm smirked.
Then he noticed the fine print: "Those wholly human only, please."
Were they even allowed to say that these days?
He sat back in his chair for a few seconds before starting
to type. "Dear MatchPro, I'd agree that this is my lucky day as I've
been looking for a special someone for quite some time. "I'm 171..."
He erased that and wrote, "I'm 185 cm tall with dark hair and grey eyes.
In my seven years with Starfleet I have steadily climbed the ranks and am
now a lieutenant in charge of my own department. I have one sister
who is a lawyer and come from a family with a history of distinguished careers
in the Royal Navy. I have a bachelors degree in engineering from MIT
and an MPhil specializing in phase weapon design from Oxford."
One corner of his lip curled up as he moved in for the
kill. "My interests include guns, knives, pistols, and heavy weaponry.
I work in deep space, but make a point of returning to Earth once every five
years or so. My hobbies include hand-to-hand combat, target practise
with both phase pistols and pulse rifles, and working in the armoury.
I do not enjoy cooking or movies that don't include explosions. I'm
allergic to most pet dander, but dislike pets in general anyway. And
I'm gay and do not appreciate receiving these offers." With a victorious
flourish he punched the send button.